Purely a Comical View or Is It ¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?
Your back garden:
Dig up those lovely azaleas you put in your garden last weekend. I suggest you use two small hand trowels, one in each hand, and imitate the same action a puppy’s paws would. It’s important that you make sure you throw them about all over the surrounding area of approximately 5-6 foot.
Dig up the watering system that was perfectly OK for the last 4 years. It’s important that you do the digging in the same fashion as the azaleas to get a better feel for what this will look like. Try and get one of the other members of the family involved in a tug of war with the tubing. For the finishing touches, get a pair of very blunt scissors and hack away at all the tubing (this is to imitate the sharp little chew marks). You can claim you have been successful if you manage to actually make 100’s of little bits of tubing rather then just a boring old one!
It goes with out saying; you must dig lots of little ankle-breaking holes. You can progress the craters later, plenty of time for that. Make sure you scatter the dirt for miles! Or hide it. (You know what it’s like when you go to fill in the hole, you can never find all the dirt.) It would be a good idea to get another member of the family involved in this particular step of the preparation. Ask the other member of the family to meticulously fill in the hole you have dug up, to ensure all the dirt is found and placed back in the hole. In the mean time you must run around this member, jump at them, try to help, lick them, grab their shoe laces as they are walking back and forth carrying the dirt (this is a very important ritual) And then when it’s all nicely filled in and the other member of the family has gone inside, go and check it out… I assure you it will be irresistible but don’t resist, just go for it, dig it up again. It’s a game after all that can have the whole family playing.
Outside in general:
With out fail you must drag out the bedding each day, more than once. I know you will get bored doing just that, but you can also rip it up. Make sure it’s in lots of little pieces and a new bed is a guarantee. If the foam is white, you will love the effects; like snow every where.
Using any tool you see fit that will give you the desired tooth-marked chewing effect, enlarge the openings on all the kennels. This is your way of telling the rest of the family you would like a Great Dane for Christmas. The sharp corners on the roof are really not safe, so round them off using the same technique as for the openings.
While you are rounding off corners, you must do the same to the garden bench. The table can wait until you get a bit taller.
Jab and hack at the skirting boards. Make sure you get a screwdriver and stab erratically at the legs of the wooden coffee table; it’s going to get chewed anyway!
The kitchen rubbish bin is your hidden treasure of goodies you would only dream about. Paw at it like your puppy would until you tip it over (you should probably put rubber gloves on for this one). Once it’s on its side, rummage through it using you hands, and scatter it all over the kitchen floor. You should try to spread the rubbish to at least one other room; all rooms would certainly give a better effect.
You know that 62 year old hand spun, hand dyed and hand made rug that covers just about the whole lounge room, hack the corner of it with the same blunt scissors you have used outside to hack the tubing from the watering system. Important to get rid of the fringe altogether. I mean what is that for anyway. . . just to tickle your tummy when you lay down!
Make some black tea, let is cool to body temperature then pour about ½ a cup full on the hand spun, hand dyed and hand made rug (this will give a fairly close resemblance to a puppy puddle). Of course the rug is not colourfast! Pour same amounts in different places through out the house. It’s important that you walk through the puddles bare foot to better appreciate the feeling when you walk in one half a sleep on your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
Don’t put those blunt scissors away just yet, you haven’t finished! Pull out a dirty sock and hack out the toes. That was fun wasn’t it, go ahead, and pull out another one, and another and another…
Make sure you parade dirty underwear in front of important guests while they are enjoying their meal. Make a game of it with another member of the family, play Catch-Me-If-You-Can.
I bet you didn’t know how much fun it was to play with the toilet paper roll. You can get a fairy similar result if you dampen your hands and erratically pull at the roll. The result should be fairly close to that of a puppy using it’s mouth to do it. If you are game you can do this with your mouth.
In the back of the car:
Remember how much fun you had ripping up the bedding from the kennels. It’s your lucky day, it’s the same sort of bedding, and you should be able to get a fairly similar result in half the time. Go for it! You WILL get a new bed.
Don’t let the divider stop you doing the same to the bedding on the other side. It will be a little slower but you must drag the bedding through the little holes in the wire mesh. When you have some of it through to your side, rip it into little bits. And continue until the job is done. It may turn into a ½ day job by the time all the bedding is on your side of the divider but hey it will be so much fun.
Now go to the dryer and take out a warm blanket, wrap it around your self; this is the feeling you will have with your new puppy in your arms. And nothing else will matter.